How Great Thou Art<3

They look at me and are quiet for a long moment, as though not sure whether or not to say anything, wondering if they'll offend me. Then it comes out. "What happened to you? You used to be all different, and now you're into all this Christian stuff."

...Well yeah. So what?

i love when people write me off as a Christian. Because the word "Christian" cannot begin to describe a Christian, and saying that i've become a Christian could never cover what has truly happened to me. 379 days ago i would have called myself an atheist, entirely out of pride. 378 days ago, i gave the pride up.

i still don't know why i believe in God.

Some people believe in God because it makes sense, it answers all of their questions. Well, God doesn't answer all of my questions and i'm learning what it means to enjoy the mysteries in life.

Some people believe in God because the Bible is historically proven and because they find comfort in a guidebook that answers everything. Well, i don't know what i believe is God-inspired and what is man-written.

i know these few facts:
i believe in love.
God is love.
God has loved me more than anything i have ever imagined could love me.
There is peace and comfort and strength found in God.
And because of these, i am filled with gratitude and respect and awe towards a being that saved me, my sanity, and my life.

That is not religion.
That is a relationship.

People don't find God (and i mean true God, not religion, not church), and go back to atheism. Once you have felt that love touch you, its hard to not believe. You may fear it, you may fight it because you don't know how to react to it, because you hate it and run away from it, or because you just aren't willing to bow down- but you know it is there. You can't help but admit it is.

"See, at first I thought it was hate, too. Hate was all I knew, it built my world, it imprisoned me, taught me how to eat, how to drink, how to breathe. I thought I'd die with all my hate in my veins. But then something happened. It happened to me... just as it happened to you."

i have known more hate in my life than anyone ever should. Most of it was unreasonable and unwarranted, but it existed and it ruled me. When touched with love of any kind, i fled in horror and screamed anger and rage into the night. i tore all humanity and dignity i had to shreds for the sake of a heated anger i didn't understand. And to this day i shudder at who i could have continued to be if i hadn't been changed when i was.

i did not understand love. i saw it, i envied it. i wanted respect, i wanted pride, i wanted physical attention and adoration. But i did not understand what it meant to care about someone enough to be willing to lay down important parts of yourself for their sake. i did not understand what it meant to sacrafice-- not die for another person-- but live your life for others' well-being.

And i will thank those five girls til the day i die for what they taught me. Something in them drew out a part of me that had never existed until then, or rather, i had never known existed. And to you five, Laura, Brooke, Spiff, Chloe, and Julie, i owe my very life.<3

And even then, when i was graced with the love of these five girls, i did not understand what love was. i understood that suddenly there were people i did not want to harm. Suddenly i wanted to have good memories with people, laugh and enjoy life with them, as opposed to just seeking attention from them or doing things to further my own selfish goals. One day someone told me i loved them. i laughed. But the words hurt, hurt more than anything ever could. And those words completely devastated me, that for the first time in my life, i knew what it meant to love someone.

That is where i am today. i tasted love and i realized that it fit who i was better than the ugly hatred i'd been hiding myself in. So i stopped hiding in the clothing i wore, the journals filled with unsaid thoughts. And i embraced love.

There are holes in every person's heart. Places missing for other people to fill at various times in their life-- the best friend, the soulmate, the sister or brother, the father or mother. But the hole that had ached in me for all those years was finally filled by God, 378 days ago. Filled by love. God may not be called God, but God is love. And whoever says otherwise has not yet felt that love.

Who i am is not what i have done or what i have said or what i have failed to do. Who i am is the love i have embraced in my heart, the love i pray to one day radiate out like a beacon to all to see. Not for my glory. But for the glory of the being who led me to this point and this place.

"But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."