Words are weapons.
Silence is golden.
We are too afraid of silence.
Too afraid to make eye contact.
Too afraid of having to look, for fear of what we will see.
It is, afterall, so much easier to listen to a lie
then search for the truth.
No more lies.
Words lie.
Silence is truth.
i can't hide my feelings from my face.
So i won't try to cover them with useless words.
This world is beautiful.
And i will stop clouding the beauty
with mindless words.
Goodnight
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
How Great Thou Art<3
They look at me and are quiet for a long moment, as though not sure whether or not to say anything, wondering if they'll offend me. Then it comes out. "What happened to you? You used to be all different, and now you're into all this Christian stuff."
...Well yeah. So what?
i love when people write me off as a Christian. Because the word "Christian" cannot begin to describe a Christian, and saying that i've become a Christian could never cover what has truly happened to me. 379 days ago i would have called myself an atheist, entirely out of pride. 378 days ago, i gave the pride up.
i still don't know why i believe in God.
Some people believe in God because it makes sense, it answers all of their questions. Well, God doesn't answer all of my questions and i'm learning what it means to enjoy the mysteries in life.
Some people believe in God because the Bible is historically proven and because they find comfort in a guidebook that answers everything. Well, i don't know what i believe is God-inspired and what is man-written.
i know these few facts:
i believe in love.
God is love.
God has loved me more than anything i have ever imagined could love me.
There is peace and comfort and strength found in God.
And because of these, i am filled with gratitude and respect and awe towards a being that saved me, my sanity, and my life.
That is not religion.
That is a relationship.
People don't find God (and i mean true God, not religion, not church), and go back to atheism. Once you have felt that love touch you, its hard to not believe. You may fear it, you may fight it because you don't know how to react to it, because you hate it and run away from it, or because you just aren't willing to bow down- but you know it is there. You can't help but admit it is.
"See, at first I thought it was hate, too. Hate was all I knew, it built my world, it imprisoned me, taught me how to eat, how to drink, how to breathe. I thought I'd die with all my hate in my veins. But then something happened. It happened to me... just as it happened to you."
i have known more hate in my life than anyone ever should. Most of it was unreasonable and unwarranted, but it existed and it ruled me. When touched with love of any kind, i fled in horror and screamed anger and rage into the night. i tore all humanity and dignity i had to shreds for the sake of a heated anger i didn't understand. And to this day i shudder at who i could have continued to be if i hadn't been changed when i was.
i did not understand love. i saw it, i envied it. i wanted respect, i wanted pride, i wanted physical attention and adoration. But i did not understand what it meant to care about someone enough to be willing to lay down important parts of yourself for their sake. i did not understand what it meant to sacrafice-- not die for another person-- but live your life for others' well-being.
And i will thank those five girls til the day i die for what they taught me. Something in them drew out a part of me that had never existed until then, or rather, i had never known existed. And to you five, Laura, Brooke, Spiff, Chloe, and Julie, i owe my very life.<3
And even then, when i was graced with the love of these five girls, i did not understand what love was. i understood that suddenly there were people i did not want to harm. Suddenly i wanted to have good memories with people, laugh and enjoy life with them, as opposed to just seeking attention from them or doing things to further my own selfish goals. One day someone told me i loved them. i laughed. But the words hurt, hurt more than anything ever could. And those words completely devastated me, that for the first time in my life, i knew what it meant to love someone.
That is where i am today. i tasted love and i realized that it fit who i was better than the ugly hatred i'd been hiding myself in. So i stopped hiding in the clothing i wore, the journals filled with unsaid thoughts. And i embraced love.
There are holes in every person's heart. Places missing for other people to fill at various times in their life-- the best friend, the soulmate, the sister or brother, the father or mother. But the hole that had ached in me for all those years was finally filled by God, 378 days ago. Filled by love. God may not be called God, but God is love. And whoever says otherwise has not yet felt that love.
Who i am is not what i have done or what i have said or what i have failed to do. Who i am is the love i have embraced in my heart, the love i pray to one day radiate out like a beacon to all to see. Not for my glory. But for the glory of the being who led me to this point and this place.
"But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."
...Well yeah. So what?
i love when people write me off as a Christian. Because the word "Christian" cannot begin to describe a Christian, and saying that i've become a Christian could never cover what has truly happened to me. 379 days ago i would have called myself an atheist, entirely out of pride. 378 days ago, i gave the pride up.
i still don't know why i believe in God.
Some people believe in God because it makes sense, it answers all of their questions. Well, God doesn't answer all of my questions and i'm learning what it means to enjoy the mysteries in life.
Some people believe in God because the Bible is historically proven and because they find comfort in a guidebook that answers everything. Well, i don't know what i believe is God-inspired and what is man-written.
i know these few facts:
i believe in love.
God is love.
God has loved me more than anything i have ever imagined could love me.
There is peace and comfort and strength found in God.
And because of these, i am filled with gratitude and respect and awe towards a being that saved me, my sanity, and my life.
That is not religion.
That is a relationship.
People don't find God (and i mean true God, not religion, not church), and go back to atheism. Once you have felt that love touch you, its hard to not believe. You may fear it, you may fight it because you don't know how to react to it, because you hate it and run away from it, or because you just aren't willing to bow down- but you know it is there. You can't help but admit it is.
"See, at first I thought it was hate, too. Hate was all I knew, it built my world, it imprisoned me, taught me how to eat, how to drink, how to breathe. I thought I'd die with all my hate in my veins. But then something happened. It happened to me... just as it happened to you."
i have known more hate in my life than anyone ever should. Most of it was unreasonable and unwarranted, but it existed and it ruled me. When touched with love of any kind, i fled in horror and screamed anger and rage into the night. i tore all humanity and dignity i had to shreds for the sake of a heated anger i didn't understand. And to this day i shudder at who i could have continued to be if i hadn't been changed when i was.
i did not understand love. i saw it, i envied it. i wanted respect, i wanted pride, i wanted physical attention and adoration. But i did not understand what it meant to care about someone enough to be willing to lay down important parts of yourself for their sake. i did not understand what it meant to sacrafice-- not die for another person-- but live your life for others' well-being.
And i will thank those five girls til the day i die for what they taught me. Something in them drew out a part of me that had never existed until then, or rather, i had never known existed. And to you five, Laura, Brooke, Spiff, Chloe, and Julie, i owe my very life.<3
And even then, when i was graced with the love of these five girls, i did not understand what love was. i understood that suddenly there were people i did not want to harm. Suddenly i wanted to have good memories with people, laugh and enjoy life with them, as opposed to just seeking attention from them or doing things to further my own selfish goals. One day someone told me i loved them. i laughed. But the words hurt, hurt more than anything ever could. And those words completely devastated me, that for the first time in my life, i knew what it meant to love someone.
That is where i am today. i tasted love and i realized that it fit who i was better than the ugly hatred i'd been hiding myself in. So i stopped hiding in the clothing i wore, the journals filled with unsaid thoughts. And i embraced love.
There are holes in every person's heart. Places missing for other people to fill at various times in their life-- the best friend, the soulmate, the sister or brother, the father or mother. But the hole that had ached in me for all those years was finally filled by God, 378 days ago. Filled by love. God may not be called God, but God is love. And whoever says otherwise has not yet felt that love.
Who i am is not what i have done or what i have said or what i have failed to do. Who i am is the love i have embraced in my heart, the love i pray to one day radiate out like a beacon to all to see. Not for my glory. But for the glory of the being who led me to this point and this place.
"But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Loosen My Lips<3
Could someone please tell me.
What is beauty?
What does it mean to feel it?
And why does the beauty in this world seem so ugly?
Transformations are never complete
until that person looks into the mirror.
One moment i want to vomit my brains out. i want to peel my skin off and slide back into old familiar clothing, curl up in a corner and never let anyone see me again. For something so minor. So simple. So stupid. But what power the sharp jab to the image has. What power one comment can hold over an entire mind set.
Thank God for the fellas. It would have been too easy to fall back into old habits and old thoughts. But as they say: One jerk for every dozen gentlemen.
What is beauty?
What does it mean to feel it?
And why does the beauty in this world seem so ugly?
Transformations are never complete
until that person looks into the mirror.
One moment i want to vomit my brains out. i want to peel my skin off and slide back into old familiar clothing, curl up in a corner and never let anyone see me again. For something so minor. So simple. So stupid. But what power the sharp jab to the image has. What power one comment can hold over an entire mind set.
Thank God for the fellas. It would have been too easy to fall back into old habits and old thoughts. But as they say: One jerk for every dozen gentlemen.
you make breaking hearts look so easy..
...two days.
two days changed everything.
maybe?
maybe?
yes.
but no.
you want me to, but could i?
i want to, but will you let me?
these are decisions i wasn't expecting.
and yet i don't feel any different.
want to convince me?
make me feel like you love me.
two days changed everything.
maybe?
maybe?
yes.
but no.
you want me to, but could i?
i want to, but will you let me?
these are decisions i wasn't expecting.
and yet i don't feel any different.
want to convince me?
make me feel like you love me.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
God is the Rain. Duh.
Rain is awesome.
Getting caught in the rain is even more amazing.
Having to give a testimony to a hundred teenagers while soaking wet, with muddy jeans, barefoot...
Epic win.
Getting caught in the rain is even more amazing.
Having to give a testimony to a hundred teenagers while soaking wet, with muddy jeans, barefoot...
Epic win.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Shoot the Sunshine into my Veins
“my mind is a safe and if i keep it then we all get rich. My body is an orphanage- we take everyone in. Doing lines of dust and sweat off of last night’s stage just to feel like you…”
You know the feeling. Come on, how can’t you? Its instinct and as people read this they can call me foul, disgusting whore or a Satanic, posessed, misguided bitch but they’d be lying. They’ve had moments like these. We all have, its pure human nature and i can’t help but pause just to praise the existence we are, the creatures we can be and this instinctual, overriding passion that undermines us all.
Its that wicked feeling, the one where as you sit still you find your body aching and bleeding and longing to get up and move, to do anything to be anything, anything but where you are and who you are. You want to press your skin against cold stone just in hope that the goosebumps will give you meaning. You want to lift your hands and touch clouds in the ecstasy that is true high and giggle until your head explodes from Oding on abuse, misery and bliss. You want to get up and move, you want to steal the keys and take the car and push your foot on the pedal just to feel the acceleration burning your body and sending you into hyperspeed. You want nothing more than to shove a needle into your wrist and feel that raw chemicals as they twist and mutate your being into whatever they decide. You want to find the nearest teenager and let them creep inside of you and give them your very beaing, your essance and all remainder of who you are just so that you can taste the sweat and hear the moans. You want to exist, not in who you are. You want to let go.
It’s the deep passion that lies in all of us, to give it all away. To strip off the clothing and the masks and the pretenses and run, howling and laughing and singing at the top of your lungs through the woods, rolling in the sticks and the grass until your face is completely unrecognizable by blood and savageness. To kill to survive and to exist without guilt, but instead to thrive on the waves of protectiveness, anger, remorse, and thrill—no strings attached, nothing left behind. Its as though a tornado has swept through the skin and caught you in a grasp of something you never before even knew existed.
Its savageness. Its animalistic instinct, visceral passion, the very thing that drives all of humanity.
It is the quietly hidden away desire we all have to live the unedited life.
No control, no pressure, no worries, no qualms. To throw it all away. To lift up the curtain and cast illusions and perfect little suburban worlds down into the grave and raise up the motels with hourly rates and the corners where cash and lifelines swap into bare hands. To embrace what we were given and feel no shame about naked skin, to open ones heart to any type of agony and dance, touched but not broken, beaten but laughing, about fire that warms the heart even as it burns the skin.
We are all masochistic. We are all fools.
But what would be so wrong with giving in? Its not about sex or drugs or alcohol or self-abuse. Its about finding the things that can literally give us mental and emotional and spiritual climaxes and clinging to those moments.
Perhaps if we were all Hedonists, the world would be a better place.
You know the feeling. Come on, how can’t you? Its instinct and as people read this they can call me foul, disgusting whore or a Satanic, posessed, misguided bitch but they’d be lying. They’ve had moments like these. We all have, its pure human nature and i can’t help but pause just to praise the existence we are, the creatures we can be and this instinctual, overriding passion that undermines us all.
Its that wicked feeling, the one where as you sit still you find your body aching and bleeding and longing to get up and move, to do anything to be anything, anything but where you are and who you are. You want to press your skin against cold stone just in hope that the goosebumps will give you meaning. You want to lift your hands and touch clouds in the ecstasy that is true high and giggle until your head explodes from Oding on abuse, misery and bliss. You want to get up and move, you want to steal the keys and take the car and push your foot on the pedal just to feel the acceleration burning your body and sending you into hyperspeed. You want nothing more than to shove a needle into your wrist and feel that raw chemicals as they twist and mutate your being into whatever they decide. You want to find the nearest teenager and let them creep inside of you and give them your very beaing, your essance and all remainder of who you are just so that you can taste the sweat and hear the moans. You want to exist, not in who you are. You want to let go.
It’s the deep passion that lies in all of us, to give it all away. To strip off the clothing and the masks and the pretenses and run, howling and laughing and singing at the top of your lungs through the woods, rolling in the sticks and the grass until your face is completely unrecognizable by blood and savageness. To kill to survive and to exist without guilt, but instead to thrive on the waves of protectiveness, anger, remorse, and thrill—no strings attached, nothing left behind. Its as though a tornado has swept through the skin and caught you in a grasp of something you never before even knew existed.
Its savageness. Its animalistic instinct, visceral passion, the very thing that drives all of humanity.
It is the quietly hidden away desire we all have to live the unedited life.
No control, no pressure, no worries, no qualms. To throw it all away. To lift up the curtain and cast illusions and perfect little suburban worlds down into the grave and raise up the motels with hourly rates and the corners where cash and lifelines swap into bare hands. To embrace what we were given and feel no shame about naked skin, to open ones heart to any type of agony and dance, touched but not broken, beaten but laughing, about fire that warms the heart even as it burns the skin.
We are all masochistic. We are all fools.
But what would be so wrong with giving in? Its not about sex or drugs or alcohol or self-abuse. Its about finding the things that can literally give us mental and emotional and spiritual climaxes and clinging to those moments.
Perhaps if we were all Hedonists, the world would be a better place.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
you know that i could use somebody, someone like you<3
What is love?
It isn't sex or one night stands.
It isn't hugs or kisses or holding hands.
It isn't late night phone calls or surprise presents.
It isn't anniverseries or wedding rings.
It is when you find yourself wanting
to reach down and take part of your very being
and give it away
without a second thought, just so that
they can have a part of you
and you can be a part of them.
It is when you find yourself living
in a state where what you look like,
who you have been, or what you have done
doesn't matter-
only that you are with them, and they are happy.
It is when you want to live your life
not for money, or fame, or power,
or yourself-
but so that you can somehow
manage to return the favor.
It isn't sex or one night stands.
It isn't hugs or kisses or holding hands.
It isn't late night phone calls or surprise presents.
It isn't anniverseries or wedding rings.
It is when you find yourself wanting
to reach down and take part of your very being
and give it away
without a second thought, just so that
they can have a part of you
and you can be a part of them.
It is when you find yourself living
in a state where what you look like,
who you have been, or what you have done
doesn't matter-
only that you are with them, and they are happy.
It is when you want to live your life
not for money, or fame, or power,
or yourself-
but so that you can somehow
manage to return the favor.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
you dance like a queen...
You speak to me in riddles
You speak to me in riddles
Is something on your mind?
Hands as cold as ice she says
Tell me about your secret life
And all the things you've seen
Tell me what you think of me.
<3
When does meaning become meaningless? When does the actor stop trying and start letting go? Where is the point when you have poured so much of yourself into something that your very reflection is empty? And what does that make you? A revolution without a cause? A shell without a hope?
God dammit.
Don't tell me it was all charades. i won't take that answer. i looked into your riddiculously beautiful eyes and i saw it. i saw it so blatant that it rendered me absolutely powerless. Am i that stupid?! That foolish that i could take what i believed was something and put faith in it? Because don't lie to me, don't do me the dishonor and injustice of pretending, because i know better. For a moment. For one single moment there was something.
And maybe i was just the fool for pouring myself into a bottomless jar, hoping one day i could fill it to the brim. Maybe i should have been like the rest of the mindless ants and keep walls close to my being and hide down in a shell of machines and cold fogged up windows. Maybe i shouldn't have risked it and let the sunlight seep into the chill for just a moment, before the responding burn begged me to pull back into the shadows and lick my wounds.
So what do i do now? The first taste of blistering from sun i couldn't handle, the first time i can relate to the fallen Icarus and feel the ecstasy he must have drowned in as he plummetted into the deep sleep. Do i put my antennae down and march mindlessly, hiding in the fog again?
Fuck it all.
i'll go down with my wings on fire.
Wait for me, Icarus. Here i come.
You speak to me in riddles
Is something on your mind?
Hands as cold as ice she says
Tell me about your secret life
And all the things you've seen
Tell me what you think of me.
<3
When does meaning become meaningless? When does the actor stop trying and start letting go? Where is the point when you have poured so much of yourself into something that your very reflection is empty? And what does that make you? A revolution without a cause? A shell without a hope?
God dammit.
Don't tell me it was all charades. i won't take that answer. i looked into your riddiculously beautiful eyes and i saw it. i saw it so blatant that it rendered me absolutely powerless. Am i that stupid?! That foolish that i could take what i believed was something and put faith in it? Because don't lie to me, don't do me the dishonor and injustice of pretending, because i know better. For a moment. For one single moment there was something.
And maybe i was just the fool for pouring myself into a bottomless jar, hoping one day i could fill it to the brim. Maybe i should have been like the rest of the mindless ants and keep walls close to my being and hide down in a shell of machines and cold fogged up windows. Maybe i shouldn't have risked it and let the sunlight seep into the chill for just a moment, before the responding burn begged me to pull back into the shadows and lick my wounds.
So what do i do now? The first taste of blistering from sun i couldn't handle, the first time i can relate to the fallen Icarus and feel the ecstasy he must have drowned in as he plummetted into the deep sleep. Do i put my antennae down and march mindlessly, hiding in the fog again?
Fuck it all.
i'll go down with my wings on fire.
Wait for me, Icarus. Here i come.
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