Don't hate me.
Please.

i'm so sorry.

no matter how brightly the sun shines
if the dust on the window goes untouched
all we get is a soft haze.

wake up.

that window won't clean itself.

when i was younger i saw my daddy cry
and curse at the wind
he broke his own heart and i watched
as he tried to reassemble it

and my mother swore that she would never
let herself forget
and that was the day that i promised
i'd never sing of love if it does not exist
but darling...


sixteen months.
seems like so much longer, really.

i am facing the skeletons in the closet, the bodies under the bed. too many things have been plaguing me without my realization or my intervention-- and i can decide to be happy as much as i want, but i can't keep putting bandaids over gaping holes. Its time to cut away the infection, sew them closed, and kiss them to make them feel better.

i find that i love more.
i love others
i love myself
i love God

but i've never been one to settle for the mediocre when offered a chance to be the best i can at something that truly matters.
and since love truly matters.

sixteen months. i'm still breathing. =]

life doesn't make sense.

i don't know how sensible people survive.

Never give in.
Never give up.

Chaos, turmoil, utter and complete stupidity.
But throughout it all, the truth, the soul, the heart still beats.
Hold onto the pulse. Don't forget what this world is really about.

"Its the storm not you that's bound to blow away"

Maybe its time for a little patience.

Say whats on your mind, don't make me guess.

i wish i could read you like you can read me.

This is the brand new start, this is the life i've always wanted.

Let me go. Your pulling is tearing me apart.

I WANT TO DO THIS. I WANT TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
but in all honesty, i'm terrified i can't do it.

Here's to a new stage, a new life, a new everything. i'm eradicating the worn stones, cleansing the venom from my veins. Rebirth from rebirth-- the phoenixes are never just born twice. So here it comes, the battlecry that has been steaming in my veins until the blood boils with a passionate heat that will overcome my everything.

i want to be that person.
God willing, i will be that person.

i am not afraid.
i am not alone.
i am not another existence to pass unnoticed.

Thank you, sunsets. Your light has warmed cold skin for oh so long.
Thank you, dark nights. Your chill has given meaning to aching bones.
And thank you, new dawns. i exist for you.

BRING IT ON BABY.

offer it up

So when the sky is falling, don't look outside your window.

There has to be fate. There just has to. Why else can two strangers make eye contact from across a room, and know that without a doubt they are meant to be friends? Why is it that someone can repeatedly reappear in another's life, even when they are trying desperately to stay away?

And why is it that there are these beautiful moments where someone you hardly know, a complete and total stranger, a face, a name, a meaningless existence to you-- can walk by and take with them every breath you had, so that you are left staring silently and gawking?

Well i am not that foolish, shy, embaressed little girl i was before. You can't take the breath from my lungs so easily as the last time you came around.

But i still remember every second with you. You still command my everything with the blink of an eye.

So here is my offer.
Let's skip the awkward conversation, and the slow get-to-know-each-other's. And go straight to the part where we're exactly what each other needs.

quicker than a ray of light, she's flying..

Life is good. God is good.

Even in the midst of sorrows and pain, look up to the sky. Take your tears and worries and memories and toss them upwards into the sky. God will catch them and hold them for you, and you can walk lighter until you're stepping on clouds.

:)

TPOG.
The Power of Good.
Thank you, Mr. Kelly.

i feel like today is a good day to do good. But then again, today always is.

i am finding that i can't phrase what's in my head.
and it hurts.

There's that moment when someone looks at you-
and it feels like they aren't just seeing you.
They are seeing everything you are,
everything you want to be,
everything you hide
and everything you didn't think anyone would notice.
And as terrifying as that is,

suddenly there is nothing more beautiful than that person's eyes

loving for the sake of experiencing love
is that love?
or is that selfishness in love's clothing?

if i tell myself i want you, i'll want you. if i tell myself i need you, i'll need you. but when i look at you, will there be the butterflies? will there be anything?

there may in fact be something horribly wrong with me.

love. key word is love here. just keep loving.

this is your sub-concious speaking...

i am a firm believer in the meaning and strength in dreams. They've always been significant in my life.

and i've been having some really weird ones lately.

"To see broken glass in your dream, signifies a change in your life. Alternatively, it could be symbolic of an aspect of your life that is in pieces. You will find that a situation will come to an abrupt and untimely end. If you are walking on broken glass, then it suggests that you will be experiencing some heartache or pain. "

"To see or dream that you are at a marsh, suggests instability in your emotional realm. You may be feeling bogged down, insecure or unsure about the future or how to go about with achieving your goals."

"To dream that you are crossing a bridge, signifies an important decision or a critical junction in your life. This decision will prove to be a positive change filled with prosperity and wealth in the horizon. Bridges represent a transitional period in your life where you will be moving on to a new stage."

"Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a "spiritual learning" experience."

"To see a dragon in your dream, signifies that you let yourself get carried away by your passion. This kind of behavior may lead you into the hands of enemies. You need to exercise some self-control."

Odd.

this life,
this love
is ironic.

i am so very new at all of this.

red, white and BLUE?

Is it just me or does it seem like today is less vivid? Or like someone cast a shadow over this holiday?

Things just seem very grey today. And apparently i'm not the only one feeling it.

Maybe the fireworks will bring the color and vibrancy back.

Happy Fourth, dolls.

Love is the Answer.

i dont know what to do with you.
i dont know what to do with you.
i dont know what to do with you.
i dont know what to do with you.
i dont know what to do with you.
i dont know what to do with you.
i dont know what to do with you.

i just wish youd stop stepping on my heart already.

Words are weapons.
Silence is golden.

We are too afraid of silence.
Too afraid to make eye contact.
Too afraid of having to look, for fear of what we will see.
It is, afterall, so much easier to listen to a lie
then search for the truth.

No more lies.
Words lie.
Silence is truth.
i can't hide my feelings from my face.
So i won't try to cover them with useless words.

This world is beautiful.
And i will stop clouding the beauty
with mindless words.

Goodnight

How Great Thou Art<3

They look at me and are quiet for a long moment, as though not sure whether or not to say anything, wondering if they'll offend me. Then it comes out. "What happened to you? You used to be all different, and now you're into all this Christian stuff."

...Well yeah. So what?

i love when people write me off as a Christian. Because the word "Christian" cannot begin to describe a Christian, and saying that i've become a Christian could never cover what has truly happened to me. 379 days ago i would have called myself an atheist, entirely out of pride. 378 days ago, i gave the pride up.

i still don't know why i believe in God.

Some people believe in God because it makes sense, it answers all of their questions. Well, God doesn't answer all of my questions and i'm learning what it means to enjoy the mysteries in life.

Some people believe in God because the Bible is historically proven and because they find comfort in a guidebook that answers everything. Well, i don't know what i believe is God-inspired and what is man-written.

i know these few facts:
i believe in love.
God is love.
God has loved me more than anything i have ever imagined could love me.
There is peace and comfort and strength found in God.
And because of these, i am filled with gratitude and respect and awe towards a being that saved me, my sanity, and my life.

That is not religion.
That is a relationship.

People don't find God (and i mean true God, not religion, not church), and go back to atheism. Once you have felt that love touch you, its hard to not believe. You may fear it, you may fight it because you don't know how to react to it, because you hate it and run away from it, or because you just aren't willing to bow down- but you know it is there. You can't help but admit it is.

"See, at first I thought it was hate, too. Hate was all I knew, it built my world, it imprisoned me, taught me how to eat, how to drink, how to breathe. I thought I'd die with all my hate in my veins. But then something happened. It happened to me... just as it happened to you."

i have known more hate in my life than anyone ever should. Most of it was unreasonable and unwarranted, but it existed and it ruled me. When touched with love of any kind, i fled in horror and screamed anger and rage into the night. i tore all humanity and dignity i had to shreds for the sake of a heated anger i didn't understand. And to this day i shudder at who i could have continued to be if i hadn't been changed when i was.

i did not understand love. i saw it, i envied it. i wanted respect, i wanted pride, i wanted physical attention and adoration. But i did not understand what it meant to care about someone enough to be willing to lay down important parts of yourself for their sake. i did not understand what it meant to sacrafice-- not die for another person-- but live your life for others' well-being.

And i will thank those five girls til the day i die for what they taught me. Something in them drew out a part of me that had never existed until then, or rather, i had never known existed. And to you five, Laura, Brooke, Spiff, Chloe, and Julie, i owe my very life.<3

And even then, when i was graced with the love of these five girls, i did not understand what love was. i understood that suddenly there were people i did not want to harm. Suddenly i wanted to have good memories with people, laugh and enjoy life with them, as opposed to just seeking attention from them or doing things to further my own selfish goals. One day someone told me i loved them. i laughed. But the words hurt, hurt more than anything ever could. And those words completely devastated me, that for the first time in my life, i knew what it meant to love someone.

That is where i am today. i tasted love and i realized that it fit who i was better than the ugly hatred i'd been hiding myself in. So i stopped hiding in the clothing i wore, the journals filled with unsaid thoughts. And i embraced love.

There are holes in every person's heart. Places missing for other people to fill at various times in their life-- the best friend, the soulmate, the sister or brother, the father or mother. But the hole that had ached in me for all those years was finally filled by God, 378 days ago. Filled by love. God may not be called God, but God is love. And whoever says otherwise has not yet felt that love.

Who i am is not what i have done or what i have said or what i have failed to do. Who i am is the love i have embraced in my heart, the love i pray to one day radiate out like a beacon to all to see. Not for my glory. But for the glory of the being who led me to this point and this place.

"But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."

Loosen My Lips<3

Could someone please tell me.
What is beauty?
What does it mean to feel it?
And why does the beauty in this world seem so ugly?

Transformations are never complete
until that person looks into the mirror.

One moment i want to vomit my brains out. i want to peel my skin off and slide back into old familiar clothing, curl up in a corner and never let anyone see me again. For something so minor. So simple. So stupid. But what power the sharp jab to the image has. What power one comment can hold over an entire mind set.

Thank God for the fellas. It would have been too easy to fall back into old habits and old thoughts. But as they say: One jerk for every dozen gentlemen.

you make breaking hearts look so easy..

...two days.
two days changed everything.
maybe?
maybe?
yes.
but no.
you want me to, but could i?
i want to, but will you let me?

these are decisions i wasn't expecting.
and yet i don't feel any different.

want to convince me?
make me feel like you love me.

God is the Rain. Duh.

Rain is awesome.
Getting caught in the rain is even more amazing.
Having to give a testimony to a hundred teenagers while soaking wet, with muddy jeans, barefoot...
Epic win.

Shoot the Sunshine into my Veins

“my mind is a safe and if i keep it then we all get rich. My body is an orphanage- we take everyone in. Doing lines of dust and sweat off of last night’s stage just to feel like you…”

You know the feeling. Come on, how can’t you? Its instinct and as people read this they can call me foul, disgusting whore or a Satanic, posessed, misguided bitch but they’d be lying. They’ve had moments like these. We all have, its pure human nature and i can’t help but pause just to praise the existence we are, the creatures we can be and this instinctual, overriding passion that undermines us all.

Its that wicked feeling, the one where as you sit still you find your body aching and bleeding and longing to get up and move, to do anything to be anything, anything but where you are and who you are. You want to press your skin against cold stone just in hope that the goosebumps will give you meaning. You want to lift your hands and touch clouds in the ecstasy that is true high and giggle until your head explodes from Oding on abuse, misery and bliss. You want to get up and move, you want to steal the keys and take the car and push your foot on the pedal just to feel the acceleration burning your body and sending you into hyperspeed. You want nothing more than to shove a needle into your wrist and feel that raw chemicals as they twist and mutate your being into whatever they decide. You want to find the nearest teenager and let them creep inside of you and give them your very beaing, your essance and all remainder of who you are just so that you can taste the sweat and hear the moans. You want to exist, not in who you are. You want to let go.

It’s the deep passion that lies in all of us, to give it all away. To strip off the clothing and the masks and the pretenses and run, howling and laughing and singing at the top of your lungs through the woods, rolling in the sticks and the grass until your face is completely unrecognizable by blood and savageness. To kill to survive and to exist without guilt, but instead to thrive on the waves of protectiveness, anger, remorse, and thrill—no strings attached, nothing left behind. Its as though a tornado has swept through the skin and caught you in a grasp of something you never before even knew existed.

Its savageness. Its animalistic instinct, visceral passion, the very thing that drives all of humanity.

It is the quietly hidden away desire we all have to live the unedited life.

No control, no pressure, no worries, no qualms. To throw it all away. To lift up the curtain and cast illusions and perfect little suburban worlds down into the grave and raise up the motels with hourly rates and the corners where cash and lifelines swap into bare hands. To embrace what we were given and feel no shame about naked skin, to open ones heart to any type of agony and dance, touched but not broken, beaten but laughing, about fire that warms the heart even as it burns the skin.

We are all masochistic. We are all fools.

But what would be so wrong with giving in? Its not about sex or drugs or alcohol or self-abuse. Its about finding the things that can literally give us mental and emotional and spiritual climaxes and clinging to those moments.

Perhaps if we were all Hedonists, the world would be a better place.

you know that i could use somebody, someone like you<3

What is love?

It isn't sex or one night stands.
It isn't hugs or kisses or holding hands.
It isn't late night phone calls or surprise presents.
It isn't anniverseries or wedding rings.

It is when you find yourself wanting
to reach down and take part of your very being
and give it away
without a second thought, just so that
they can have a part of you
and you can be a part of them.

It is when you find yourself living
in a state where what you look like,
who you have been, or what you have done
doesn't matter-
only that you are with them, and they are happy.

It is when you want to live your life
not for money, or fame, or power,
or yourself-
but so that you can somehow
manage to return the favor.

you dance like a queen...

You speak to me in riddles
You speak to me in riddles
Is something on your mind?
Hands as cold as ice she says
Tell me about your secret life
And all the things you've seen
Tell me what you think of me.
<3

When does meaning become meaningless? When does the actor stop trying and start letting go? Where is the point when you have poured so much of yourself into something that your very reflection is empty? And what does that make you? A revolution without a cause? A shell without a hope?

God dammit.

Don't tell me it was all charades. i won't take that answer. i looked into your riddiculously beautiful eyes and i saw it. i saw it so blatant that it rendered me absolutely powerless. Am i that stupid?! That foolish that i could take what i believed was something and put faith in it? Because don't lie to me, don't do me the dishonor and injustice of pretending, because i know better. For a moment. For one single moment there was something.

And maybe i was just the fool for pouring myself into a bottomless jar, hoping one day i could fill it to the brim. Maybe i should have been like the rest of the mindless ants and keep walls close to my being and hide down in a shell of machines and cold fogged up windows. Maybe i shouldn't have risked it and let the sunlight seep into the chill for just a moment, before the responding burn begged me to pull back into the shadows and lick my wounds.

So what do i do now? The first taste of blistering from sun i couldn't handle, the first time i can relate to the fallen Icarus and feel the ecstasy he must have drowned in as he plummetted into the deep sleep. Do i put my antennae down and march mindlessly, hiding in the fog again?

Fuck it all.
i'll go down with my wings on fire.
Wait for me, Icarus. Here i come.

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM.

Oooh baby don't you know i suffer?
Oooh baby cant you hear me moan?

Today the toilets, water fountains and doorknobs were covered in vasoline.
The floor was littered with dixie cups.
The senior class had a picnic and a game of Red Rover.
Squirt gun wars filled the school.
There was a dance to the Cupid Shuffle in the hallway.
There were a ridiculous amount of Myspace shots taken.

And we are free.
:D

Except for the almost daily graduation practices and finals next week.
But who cares?

Hold up. Wait a minute. Put a little love in it<3

Hey love. i've got music in my heart today. songs are playing my thoughts on the radio. its a good day. Not sure how i'm feeling. i'm floating, for several different reasons and i feel like i'm on top of the world. But i'm pretty frustrated too, mostly cause this rut is getting old. But everything's about to change.

Tomorrow is the last day of school. Excluding college, tomorrow is the last day i ever have to be in schooling. 18 years will end in a couple weeks. This is nuts.

SO. Countdowns:
Done with classes: 1 day/7 hours
Done with classes and finals: 3 days/ 15 hours
Graduation: 12 days
My 18th birthday: 10 days
Graduation Party: 16 days

Question:
Why does breathing seem so strange when you think about it, and so difficult to do when you're concentrating? Why is it so simple and so smooth when you don't even stop to realize its happening?

Give it all to see you fly

Thank you to the Saint who has spurred my latest addiction song, "Young" by Hollywood Undead. i always liked My Black Dahlia by them, but i never looked at their other stuff.

Seriously. i'm posting the lyrics. This song is bloody brilliant.

We are young
We are far
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
We don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart

I see the children in the rain like the parade before the pain
I see the love, I see the hate, I see this world that we can make
I see the life, I see the sky, Give it all to see you fly
Yes, we wave this flag of hatred, but you're the ones who made it
Watch the beauty of all our lies passing right before my eyes
I hear the hate in all your words. all the wars to make us hurt
We get so sick of so sick, we never wanted all this
Medication for the kids with no reason to live

So we march to the drums of the dammed as we come
Watch it burn in the sun - we are numb

We are young
We are far
Born in this world as it all falls apart

We are strong
We don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart

As we walk among these shadows, in these streets, this field of battle
Take it up, we wear the medal, raise your hands with burning candles
Hear us whisper in the dark, here in the rain you see the spark
Feel the beating of our hearts, fleeting hope as we depart
All together, walk alone against all we've ever known
All we've ever really wanted was a place to call our home
But you take all we are; the innocence of our hearts
Made to kneel before the alter as you tear us apart

So we March to the drums of the dammed as we come
Watch it burn in the sun - we are numb

We are young
We are far
Born in this world as it all falls apart

We are strong
We don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart

We will fight or we will fall
Till the angels save us all

Music is music, but some songs become anthems. And even though in the words of My Chem "the anthem won't explain it", it's good as hell that the world has hearts that beat in the same way. i hope everyone finds their anthems, so that when you see someone else pouring their heart to the same melody, you don't feel so alone.

Interesting idea. What is popularity? Being surrounded by relationships with no strings attached, or loving and being loved? i know people, i love knowing people. i love people knowing my name, but i love knowing others more. Knowing a face is beautiful, but knowing a heart means more. Am i a bad person? Am i glutton for emotional punishment? Am i heartsick hormonal semi-teenager? Couldn't tell you. But hey. Lets talk.

11 MONTHS. :)

What is the difference between selfishness and mental health? Where is the line between caring about yourself, and not caring about others?

Love yourself so that you may love others.
Then no one can ever call you selfish.
But love yourself.
So that you can truly understand love.


(p.s. laziness and lack of muse makes handling two blogs absurd. i'm one person. take it or leave it. shuttin' down the other blog and posting everything here.)

PROM WAS THIS WEEKEND.
:) it was too wicked for words.
Sometimes i love being a girl. For example. It allows you to occasionally dress up your hair and skin, put on flowing fabric and pose for pictures. Okay, not a big fan of the last one when parents are involved, but who can resist a good myspace shot with people you know? :)
Prom, Afterprom and Cedar Point. Won't ever forget them.

i've been having a strange revelation. All my life i've been considered old for my age. Part of that was probably coming from being an only child and dealing with adults and older cousins all my life. When i was in grade school i felt like a teenager. When i was in middle school i felt like a teenager. Now i feel like a teenager, only older. But weirdly enough, now i don't know what i feel like. Suddenly i'm finding people younger than me who i relate to better than people who are older than me. Have i just stopped maturing? Am i latching onto younger people because i don't want to move on to college? Or is this a sign that i should be spending the rest of my life working with teenagers, like i've been wondering for awhile now? i wonder if as every year passes by, the youth are forced to grow up more quicker and quicker. Why is it i feel like i can have a deeper intellectual conversation with a 16 or 17 year old then a lot of 20 year olds? Is it me, or is it culture?
Hmm. That seems to be a very popular question.

You Do Not Exist. o_O

Buddhism:
"Why are you unhappy?
Because 99.9 per cent
Of everything you think
and of everything you do
is for yourself-
-and there isn't one."

You as you are is one person. But you will never exist as you are in this moment ever again. Even if you have the most boring day of your life, that boredom will have changed you even the slightest- but it's still a change.

Puts things into perspective. Decisions made for you at this moment won't last, because a single change can revolutionize yourself entirely. Decision should be made for something greater, such as morals you believe in, people you love, or goals you hope for. And even then, things can change. Life is a moving river, according to Buddhism, and just as soon as you know what's going on, everything changes. But there is some hope, cause just like a river there is always the water that flows along with you, moving slightly ahead, then slightly behind. Things do change with you, as do people.

i think the catch is learning how to make decisions for your whole self, and for your life. Not just for yourself in the moment.

Go with the flooooowwww.

So.
Do you ever have that moment in life where you are completely and totally, one hundred percent, baffled?
Because i am.
And when you realize that you have nothing, absolutely nothing to go on, nothing to give you any advice on which way to go, what the bloody hell do you do?
i know what i do.
i ask for advice. :)
And that advice was extraordinarily helpful, and a fail at helpfulness (<3 you, you know i do). Don't think too much, just go with the flow. And see where whoever does have a clue decides to go (of course she phrased it much more eloquently than i did).
So i'm gellin'. i'm chillin'. i'm flowin'.

Bring it on.

i believe in a thing called love<3

i do.

love can be telling a friend they mean something to you.
love can be sharing a moment with someone you trust.

but for the first time i think i believe that love can weather life
and that love for one person can be with you til the day you die.

til death do us part.
and beyond.

:)
Thank you, to you dear lovestruck fools, who led me to believe.


"we said to those who are in love
it can't be true cause we're too young
i know that's true because
so long i was so in love with you
so i thought"
-flyleaf<3

ARGH.

Current Mood: MURDEROUS.

>___<
BLAH. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

...that is all.

<3

so if you wanna burn yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
and if you wanna cut yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
and if you wanna kill yourself remember that I LOVE YOU
call me up before your dead, we can make some plans instead
send me an IM, i'll be your friend

i don't know what to say. Or what to do.

i'm here. i'm alive. i'm breathing. But i'm somewhere else, dancing and spinning and singing songs.

Thing is... i don't know where that is.

But i'd love to find it.

<3laura.